Stronger Together
by dreaminginglitter
Summary: When Mariana unexpectedly has an emotional day, Stef is there for her daughter. Spoilers for season 4 episodes 1 and 2 of The Fosters.


Mariana found herself running in a pitch black void of some sort. Everywhere she turned, all she could see was the color black and the harsh air felt cold around her. She knew she had to keep running, she had to escape this place. No matter how fast she ran, all she could hear was the sound of her own ragged breathing and whimpering from somewhere. It sounded like someone was crying, though she couldn't figure out why. She was moving towards the sound, ready to help if she could, and-

Her eyes snapped open as the sound of her phone buzzing awoke her. Groaning, she blinked a few times and grabbed her phone off of the nightstand next to the bed, noticing that the time was around nine in the morning.

"Shit, I'm late for work!" Mariana exclaimed as she jumped out of bed, running over to the closest to grab clothes and mentally cursing Callie for not waking her up, knowing that Callie was off to work already. Callie had probably been afraid to wake her, knowing Mariana didn't react well to being woken up suddenly. Quickly putting on jeans and a t-shirt, her phone buzzed again, showing on screen that a message from Stef came through.

_Hey, love! It turns out that Mama's not feeling well today, so it'll just be me coming to visit. Mama insists that I come see our favorite Miss Thing, so I'll see you later today after you get off of work. Love you!_

Mariana read the text from her mom and smiled. At least that was one thing she could look forward to after this bad start to today. She tried to hold back a yawn as she left her room, knowing she'd probably have to double the coffee she usually drank for today. Something about the dream she had exhausted her, but she didn't have the time to figure that out now. Closing the door behind her, she took the stairs two at a time until she got to the elevator. Stepping inside, she jumped slightly at the elevator noise. She didn't understand why, she wasn't normally frightened by noises. Stepping outside the Coterie, she took off in a run in order to get to work faster.

Arriving at Speckulate, Mariana headed straight for the coffee bar, still feeling off emotions wise. She wanted to figure out why, but seeing as she was now at work, she had to push her emotions aside. As she waited for her coffee to be made, she pulled out her phone to reply to Stef's text from earlier._ Great, can't wait to see you. Tell Mama I love her and that I hope she feels better soon! _She typed out the message and hit send just as her coffee was done. Grabbing the cup and taking a sip, she was grateful that caffeine existed as warmth filled her body. As she began to walk into her office to start work for the day, she noticed Alex and Sam walking ahead of her.

"What would you do if you were dating a really hot girl and she broke up with you?" Sam asked, laughing.

"Well then..." Alex started to respond, taking his fingers and pointing them to his temple. As he did this motion, he too began to laugh. He had made finger guns and was making a joke out of suicide, something that made Mariana very upset.

Upon seeing this, she froze in her tracks and her breath caught in her throat. Nearly dropping her coffee, her breathing quickened and she just knew she had to get away. Turning around, she walked as fast as she could to the restroom and was thankful to find it empty when she pushed open the door. Locking herself in a stall, her eyes stung with tears and her head hurt. She lightly hit the wall as her body felt too heavy to stand.

"What's going on with me today?" Mariana thought, trying to figure out why she was suddenly so anxious. This was pretty unusual for her, and she normally didn't have nightmares like the one she had this morning. She wanted so badly to just take the day off, but she knew her team needed her to be at work today. Stepping out of the stall, she turned on the sink to splash some water on her face. It was then that she noticed her reflection in the mirror.

She looked tired and scared. She didn't exactly have the time to put on makeup with waking up so late, and she really hoped she could just get through today._ Get through today and you can see Mom_. She thought, trying to smile at herself in the mirror. _Fake it until you make it_.

After six exhausting hours trying to find errors in coding, Mariana was finally done with work for the day. She was amazed she didn't fall asleep as she had only gotten more tired as the day went on. As she was rushing back home from work, she noticed the sky was dark and it looked like it was going to storm outside. Getting home, she ran up to her and Callie's room to put on some makeup before Stef arrived in order to look more put together than she actually felt. Noticing she had received yet another text message, she unlocked her phone and saw that Callie had texted. _Going to be working a late night, tell Mom I love her and will probably see her tomorrow_, the message read. Putting her phone back down, she began to put on foundation, eyeshadow, and mascara. Deciding to focus on how excited she was to see Stef, she surveyed her makeup in the mirror. The foundation had covered up dark under eye circles and she at least felt a little more energized this way.

Satisfied with her makeup, she walked over to the closet to change into something that was a little more dressed up than jeans and a t-shirt. A red dress she had bought recently caught her eye, and it seemed like something she'd be comfortable in. After she had put the dress on, she twirled around, watching the dress go up a little bit from the twirl. Smiling to herself, she left the room to go meet Stef at the elevator.

After what seemed like a long time waiting, the elevator doors opened and Stef walked out, smiling at her daughter.

"Hey Mariana!" Stef said, stepping forward. "I've missed you so much, Miss Thing," She continued, wrapping her arms around Mariana and giving her a hug. Mariana hugged back, happy to have something comforting instead of her heavy emotions today which she still couldn't quite figure out.

"Hi Mom, I've missed you so much too," Mariana replied, pulling back from the hug. "If you're wondering where Callie is, she's working late, so I guess it's just us tonight."

"Shame, I would have loved to see Cal as well. But I'm really happy to see you!" Stef said, as they waled into the Coterie kitchen together which was surprisingly empty. Mariana supposed that everyone else were at work or in their rooms.

"Would you like anything to drink? Wine, maybe?" Mariana asked, knowing that she at least would pour herself a glass. She certainly needed it after today.

"Sure, I'll take a bit."

Grabbing two glasses, Mariana began to fill them up with some red wine and set them on the table, looking at her mom. Stef looked at Mariana curiously. She noticed that Mariana's eyes were bloodshot and she looked tired.

"Thank you, love," Stef said, and then took a sip of wine. "Hey, are you okay? You look like you were up too late last night or something. No late night parties, I hope," she joked, looking pointedly at Mariana.

"Like I would ever have late night parties on a work night," Mariana laughed. "I'm just tired. I didn't exactly sleep well and woke up late, so I had to rush to work. I hope Mama's okay, you said she was sick?"

"Yes she is, but just with a cold. She would have loved to come and see you."

Continuing to sit in the kitchen, the two happily traded stories of what was going on in their lives that texts and phone calls couldn't quite cover. The wine was making Mariana relax a little and forget about the hard events of the day, until her mom was in the middle of a story and she suddenly heard the boom of thunder and the power went out for just a split second.

With the tears in her eyes returning, Mariana felt her heart begin to pound at the sudden noise, brief darkness of the kitchen, and so she had the urge to run to her room. She needed to feel safe, she needed to make the bad feelings go away. With speed she didn't know she had, she ran upstairs to her room and stopped in the middle of the room she got there, as if she wasn't able to go any farther. She had been so focused on getting there that she didn't notice Stef behind her, looking worried.

"Mariana, what's going on?" Stef questioned, gently turning her daughter around to face her. Mariana had her head down, silent tears running down her face.

"I d-don't k-k-know," Mariana managed to get out, feeling like the world was crumbling around her, having chest pain. Feeling like it was taking too much effort to stand, her knees gave out from under her and she fell to the floor. The storm outside seemed to ramp up in intensity as thunder cracked and rain poured down.

"Okay, baby, I'm going to need you to breathe, I think you might be having a panic attack." Stef said, realizing Mariana was sobbing too much to breathe normally. "Breathe with me. In and out, in and out...good." She crouched down next to her daughter, wondering just what could make her bubbly, upbeat Mariana so upset all of a sudden. Stef knew all too well what having panic attacks was like, and she was heartbroken to see Mariana go through that as well. Now seeing that she was breathing somewhat normally, Stef continued, "Come on, let's get you over to the bed," and helped Mariana stand up. Once they had gotten on the bed, Mariana looked down, ashamed. She was still crying and felt embarrassed for what just happened.

Stef walked over to the bathroom and got a wet washcloth, sitting down next to Mariana and gently wiping her face. The washcloth felt nice of Mariana's skin and soothed her a bit. Once she was done, Stef spoke again.

"Honey, look at me...what's gotten you so upset?"

"I was having this nightmare this morning where I was in this huge pitch black area and no matter how fast I ran or how far, I couldn't escape it. And then at work, my co-workers made a joke about suicide," Mariana responded, slowly realizing just why she was so upset today out of nowhere. "Oh my god. Today is..." She broke off with a sob.

"Today is what?"

"The same day that Nick brought the gun to the house and was going to kill himself," Mariana breathed, surprised she didn't realize this before. With all the craziness of today, she hadn't realized what the date was and simply assumed she was just having PMS or something like that.

Stef softly gasped in surprise, she couldn't believe she had forgotten. Although that happened about six years ago now, it was something that had affected all of her children, but it had affected Mariana to the point that she had been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Apparently, from the way Mariana sounded when she came to this realization, she had forgotten today's date as well.

"Baby, come here," Stef said gently, pulling Mariana towards her in a loving embrace. Mariana simply put her head on Stef's chest, not being able to do anything but cry at the memories she was now having. It was like the weight of all that she had been carrying around suddenly crushed her, and she was forced to feel all that she had been trying so desperately to ignore. It had been easy to pretend she was okay until this very moment.

Nick, Mariana's ex boyfriend from high school, had brought a gun to Anchor Beach after he saw Mariana and Matt, another one of Mariana's boyfriends, kissing goodbye. Nick loved Mariana, but he was also suffering from depression.

Mariana was now locked into the memory of having Nick in her room with the gun. She had been sobbing and begging Nick to stop, saying she loved him. She distinctly recalled feeling like if she just kept talking, Nick wouldn't do anything rash to her or himself.

"Mariana? Mariana….you're not there with him. He's not here. You're safe with me and you are loved, I promise," Stef's voice broke the younger woman from her thoughts.

"How did you know?" Mariana asked, hearing her mom's heartbeat.

"Because I've been there," Stef replied, slowly rubbing Mariana's arm with her hand as a way to comfort her. "Did you know that I used to have panic attacks and flashbacks, too?"

"No," Mariana said, the tone in her voice sounding surprised. "I never knew, you always seemed so...like a cop to me, I guess. Brave, strong, confident, basically like a mother bear." She smiled at calling her mom a mother bear because it was true.

"Good assessment," Stef teased, taking a breath before speaking again. "I had panic attacks a few years ago, mainly around Mother's Day when Grandma came to visit. It was then that I found out she had them too."

"I just...I haven't thought about Nick doing that to me in years, and suddenly here it is again. I thought I was past all that PTSD stuff, I thought I had healed. I just want to be brave and strong like you are. It honestly scares me to think about it again because of all the pain he put me through." Admitting this, Mariana continued to cry. She really had thought she had been past all of this.

"As I've discovered, your emotions can really pop up again at any time. That doesn't make you weak, and it makes sense as to why you'd be scared. Nick put you and himself in danger by having that gun. What he did put so much weight on you, but it wasn't ever your fault. There was no way you could have given him the help that he needed, which is why he got help from professionals. I promise that you're safe, honey. He can't hurt you anymore, and anxiety can't kill you. Nothing bad is going to happen, I'm right here," Stef reassured soothingly, stroking Mariana's hair and placing a kiss on her head. At least the thunder from the storm had stopped and it was just lightly raining now.

"I wasn't really expecting to ruin your visit by getting so emotional, I'm sorry, Mom. I never wanted to bother you, I thought I could handle this by myself, and that that's what being strong was," Mariana said, feeling guilty that all of this was happening. Today was supposed to be good and happy, why did this have to happen now?

"Goodness, Mariana, please don't ever apologize for what you feel. It's part of being human and there's absolutely no shame in expressing your emotions. There's also no such thing as being too emotional, considering emotions are what you feel. You are strong considering all that you've been through, it's okay to break down from time to time. I'm still your mom, too. I used to think the same way, that I had to shoulder everything on my own. But to be honest, doing that is so painful and hard. So I want you to come with me with this stuff, you don't deserve to struggle alone. I love you and will always be here for you. Please talk to me, Mama, or any of your siblings if you feel like this again. We love you so much."

"I love you too, Mom," Mariana mumbled, feeling a sense of warmth and safety that she hadn't felt in a long time.

It was silent for a few minutes. Stef just thought of how much she loved all of her children, and felt pained that Mariana was having to go through the memories of this experience again. She heard Mariana breathing slowly and deeply, realizing she must have fallen asleep. Stef gently put a blanket over herself and her daughter. Maybe Mariana would get the good rest she needed, she remembered feeling very tired after having panic attacks herself. She just hoped above all that Mariana knew she was safe and loved.

Some time later, Mariana awoke, feeling more rested than normal. She instantly felt her mother next to her and felt safe. Upon seeing Mariana was awake, Stef smiled at her and started talking.

"Hey there again, sleepyhead. Did you have a good nap?"

Mariana nodded. "Yeah, I'm still feeling worn out though. Is it okay if we just chill out up here for the night? I don't think I'm ready to see everyone downstairs after how emotional of a day this has been."

"Of course we can. I'll order some pizza for us for dinner. Pizza always helps me feel better, at least." Stef laughed, making Mariana laugh as well.

"Thanks for coming today Mom, I love you," Mariana said, looking up at her mother with love in her eyes.

"You're welcome, my love. We'll get though this together, okay?"

"Together." Mariana agreed, giving Stef another hug.

Though she knew it would be hard, Mariana was just thankful to have so many loving, supportive people by her side. She wouldn't have to carry the weight of her feelings alone anymore, and eventually, things would be okay.


End file.
